Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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