Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize