Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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