i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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