I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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