3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
