Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
