idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
