So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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