Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
