Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
