just come out here and I will go home with you...
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
