bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
