I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
