if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my vag is so smooth its legendary
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
nutella sex= disaster
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm both gender and math confused
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