I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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