That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just googled if crying burns calories
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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