by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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