I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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