Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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