Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Randomize
