hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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