bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
