I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
