onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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