I got chris browned last night
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
