also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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