i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
