I'm really into asian looking animals
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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