We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
honey bunches of taint.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
