I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think people are normalizing furries
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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