My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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