hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
