there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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