I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
