just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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