On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
