She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
