Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
