thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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