Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
