Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
