Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
