If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
