your parents love me but you hate me
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize