I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
