I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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