I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
