im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
