Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
