Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
