i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
