she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
