Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
