The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
