i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize