yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
