if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
