Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
