Me too!
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
