When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
