I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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