I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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