Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
